I Need a Friend Part 4

I Need a Friend

Part 4

Mary Southerland

Today's Truth

But Ruth replied, 'Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.' When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her (Ruth 1:16-18, NIV).

Friend to Friend

Friendship is the catalyst for every other love and the foundation of every healthy relationship.  God created us to need each other.  We need friends and we need to be a friend.  Over the next few weeks, we will uncover nine keys to healthy friendships.

Key one: Time

Key two:  Risk

Key three: Transparency

Key four: Touch

Key five:  Correction

Key six:   Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a spiritual truth and principle that, as Christians, we teach, preach and encourage. Forgiveness is also easier said than done. Yet, the very foundation for godly life is integrity. If we cannot forgive, we have no spiritual integrity.

Naomi was Ruth's mother-in-law and after a close examination of their circumstances, you can imagine the potential for conflict in their relationship. Naomi was a godly woman whose son had married Ruth, a woman who did not worship God. Yet, they loved each other. Forgiveness had to be part of their friendship.  

Forgiveness has to be part of every friendship. The first step taken in the process of forgiveness is always our responsibility while the outcome and the healing are God's responsibility. Paul writes in Colossians 3:13 that we must "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." To "bear with" means to "put up with" and "grievances" means "complaints." In other words, we are to put up with any complaints we have with each other without retaliation or revenge. There's more. The verse goes on to tell us to forgive like Jesus did - which means taking the initiative in forgiving as well as being quick to give and receive forgiveness.  

We often make the mistake of thinking forgiveness depends upon feelings, rights, justification or a variety of other man-made excuses. Forgiveness is a deliberate choice, a chosen attitude and a discipline of the heart and will. In fact, forgiveness is a choice that leads to an action that may or may not result in a feeling. A friend of Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, once reminded her of an especially cruel act that someone had done to her years before, but Miss Barton seemed not to recall it. "Don't you remember?" her friend asked. "No," replied Clara Barton. "I distinctly remember forgetting it." Healthy friendships practice forgiveness.

Key seven:  Freedom

Healthy friendships are relationships where each person gives the other room to grow and change. Instead of possessing their friends, they encourage them to grow and change. Paul says it simply and clearly, "Love is not possessive" (I Corinthians 13:4 ). The friendship of Ruth and Naomi certainly demonstrates this kind of freedom. Naomi was willing to let Ruth start a whole new life that did not even include her. Naomi gave Ruth the gift of freedom and, as a result, gained a friendship beyond measure. Neither Ruth nor Naomi was sure of the future, but they both knew there would be changes. They also knew that their friendship was secure enough to withstand those changes. Notice that Naomi gave Orpah freedom to leave and did not condemn her when she left. Naomi gave Orpah the gift of freedom as well, with different but right results.

When a person changes, their relationships will also change. If friendship falters when one friend changes, the relationship is likely built upon the wrong foundation and operates with erroneous motives. The heart of every healthy friendship has a thread of elastic running through it. Without the freedom to change and grow, friendship becomes a prime target for jealousy. Jealousy can ruin and has ruined many friendships because jealousy feeds on unrealistic expectations and is the result of overloading one relationship with emotional needs that only God can satisfy. True friends give each other freedom. It is from that freedom that a deeper friendship, a healthier relationship will grow. 

I am acutely aware of those who want to be my friend because of what they believe they can gain from a relationship with the pastor's wife - access to ministry "secrets", a sense of importance, admission into "the inner circle." I am constantly amazed by this ridiculous mindset and fully believe it is an affront to the Kingdom and the very heart of God. I have the solution. Have a "Pedestal Burning Party." It doesn't matter who put that pedestal in place. Pedestals are stages on which pride, self-importance and sin perform their greatest works.  Burn every pedestal in sight, ladies! Oh, and while you are at it, throw in all of those masks you have worn for so long! When you walk in humility, authenticity and transparency, you will be a better friend and find true friendship.  

Let's Pray

Father, please forgive me when I allow jealousy to have a place in my heart. Teach me how to celebrate with my friends as they grow and change and succeed. Help me remember how Your forgiveness covers my sin and empowers me to forgive others. I lay down every grudge and resentment in my heart. I choose to forgive those who have hurt me and commit to seek the forgiveness of those I have hurt. Thank You for the love and grace I can only find in knowing You. 

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

I Need a Friend Part 3

I Need a Friend

Part 3

Mary Southerland

Today's Truth
But Ruth replied, 'Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.  Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.' When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her (Ruth 1:16-18, NIV).

Friend to Friend
Friendship is the catalyst for every other love and the foundation of every healthy relationship.  God created us to need each other.  We need friends and we need to be a friend. Over the next few weeks, we will uncover nine keys to healthy friendships.

Key one: Time
Key two: Risk
Key three: Transparency


Key four: Touch

Women are such emotional critters. I can almost see Naomi and Ruth hugging each other or holding hands as their friendship was forged through love, sorrow, pain and loss. The earthly ministry of Jesus constantly demonstrated the power of love poured out through His touch. The touch of Jesus brought healing to the sick, sight to the blind and life to the dead. In Matthew, He stretched out his hand and touched the leper (Matthew 8:3). Mark tells us that Jesus took the children in His arms (Mark 10:16 ). I am always amazed that even though Jesus could have healed the blind and sick with just a word, a breath, a glance or even a thought, He often chose to touch the broken ones in order to make them whole. Physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. 


A group of medical students, training in the children's ward of a large metropolitan hospital, learned the power of touch in an unusual way. Day after day, the eager students made their rounds together, all of them visiting the same children, performing the same routine medical procedures. However, it soon became obvious to all that one particular medical student was especially loved by the children. Whenever he walked into the ward, the face of each child lit up. The medical students did not understand why the kids seemed to love this particular student more. Curious, they decided to follow their co-worker, hoping to learn his secret. They did.  Every night, when he made his last rounds, this beloved young student kissed each child good-night and tucked them into bed. In Ephesians 2:14, Paul talks about "breaking down the walls that divide us." Many times, the best way to break down emotional walls is to reach out, in God's love, and offer the healing touch of a pat on a weary back, a quick hug for a lonely heart, or an encouraging hand on a burdened and bent shoulder.

Sidebar: Let me also be honest and open at this point. Rarely a week goes by that my husband and I don't hear of a marriage, family and ministry destroyed because of an affair. That affair began with one inappropriate thought that led to one inappropriate touch. Make no mistake, friend. The enemy wants to destroy you, your family, your home and your life. You can be certain he will attempt to do so - any way that he possibly can.  When he does manage to derail a man or woman, he dances on the ashes of the fallen ones and the Father weeps. This is where correction comes in. Along with the command to demonstrate the love of God in friendships, comes the responsibility of loving accountability and correction.


Key five: Correction

Naomi told Ruth to return to her home land, but Ruth refused to go. Instead, she confronted and corrected her mother-in-law. A brave woman! The results were dramatic. "When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her." Godly friendships have the element of correction. Correction brings authenticity and health to every relationship in life - especially friendships. A true friend puts your good above the risk of anger or rejection. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6 ). The "wound" is the correction or confrontation for the good of a friend. 

Silence is agreement and just as dangerous as holding a friend's hand as he or she walks toward the edge of a steep, deadly cliff. When a warning bell goes off in your mind, when you have a question in your spirit about any part of a friend's life, you are called to confront that friend in love. Failure to do so may very well result in their destruction. 

When I married into the Southerland family, I didn't know tent camping was part of the deal. I might have reconsidered (just kidding). I decided I could learn to camp and maybe even enjoy it. My first trip to Lake Greason in the foothills of the Ozarks was quite an experience. It did not take me long to learn the routine.  Every day, Dan's mom would prepare a huge breakfast. The kids did dishes and cleaned up while mom changed into her swim suit, donned her sun glasses, grabbed a towel and headed for the lake. On the shore, she grabbed an inner tube, positioned her towel in just the right spot, turned around and sat down in the tube.  Then she would float blissfully for hours. There was a slight problem with this plan. Lake Greason had a current that carried mom down the lake, around the bend and into the path of ski boats. Several times a day, someone would have to swim after her, pulling her back to the safety of the shore, where she would profusely thank them and go right back to floating. Finally, one of the kids came up with a great idea - a rope! We grabbed a ski rope, tied one end to mom's inner tube and the other end to a wooden stake driven securely into the ground. She could then float until the rope ran out and someone "reeled her in". 

Confrontation "reels in" that friend who is flirting with sin and headed straight into the hellish plans of Satan himself. I know confrontation is difficult at best. However, the reality is that anyone who actually enjoys confrontation and correction is probably doing it for the wrong reason and with an ungodly heart attitude, because the eternal, bottom line of God's heart is to restore the broken. A loving touch and Godly correction are powerful friendship keys. 

Let's Pray

Father, I confess that I often fail when it comes to being a true friend. Help me to be more aware of the opportunity to reach out and make a friend. Teach me how to nurture that friendship through healthy confrontation and a loving touch. May the friendships in my life honor and please You.

In Jesus' name,
Amen. 

I Need a Friend Part 2

I Need a Friend

Part 2

Mary Southerland

Today's Truth

But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her (Ruth 1:16-18, NIV).

Friendship is the catalyst for every other love and the foundation of every healthy relationship.  God created us to need each other. We need friends and we need to be a friend. Over the next few days, we will continue to uncover nine keys to healthy friendships.

Key two:  Risk

The emotional demands on women are vast. One of the ways God replenishes the emotional drains we experience is through friendships. Many women are convinced that the risk of having close friends outweighs the rewards. I disagree. There is no love without risk. Every friendship must contain the element of risk if it is to grow and mature, reaching its full potential. Ruth was willing to risk her very future for the sake of her friendship with Naomi. John 15:13 says it well. "Greater love has no one than this; that one lay down his life for his friends." When we choose to lay down our life, we automatically take a chance on being hurt, rejected, betrayed or misunderstood.

Anyone who knows me also knows that living foliage is doomed to die a premature death if left in my care for any length of time. I have even been known to kill a plant without touching it. In fact, the only hope any plant of mine has to live past its purchase date is for me to ignore its existence with great diligence. I am certain you can understand why I am in awe of anyone who gardens and is actually capable of growing green things.  

I once had a neighbor who was known for her green thumb. In fact, everyone in our small Mississippi town knew that the most beautiful roses were found in Joyce's back yard. It was in that same yard where I learned an important lesson about friendship. 

Every afternoon, after their nap time, I took our two children, Jered and Danna, outside to play in our fenced-in back yard. While the kids enjoyed the fresh air, neighborhood friends and their swing set, I enjoyed visiting with Joyce. Most of our conversations took place over the vine-covered fence and her dazzling rose garden. After weeks of watching Joyce plant, prune, water, feed, talk to and even sing to her "Rose Babies." I noticed that Joyce never handled the roses without wearing thick gloves to protect her hands from thorns. One day, our conversation abruptly halted when she yanked her hand into the air and yelled, "Ouch!" When I asked her why she insisted on growing roses instead of some safer and less prickly foliage, her answer was profound. "The beauty of the roses is worth the occasional wound they inflict," she replied.  Joyce had learned to handle the roses with respect and in such a way that her wounds were few. Friendships are much the same.  

Friends will hurt you. Friends will wound you. We would be wise to don thick emotional gloves when it comes to handling friendships. It is a fatal mistake to assign the responsibility for our happiness to friends. In reality, depending on a friend to make us happy sets that friend up for failure in the relationship and positions that friendship for inevitable destruction. For example, I have a friend who simply cannot keep a secret. She would do anything in the world for me - except keep her mouth closed. Because I love her and don't want to write her off as a friend, I have simply chosen to be cautious about what I share with her. Every friendship has a price tag of some kind attached. We just need to get to the place where love covers the cost. 

The words of 1 Peter 4:8 say it well, "Love covers a multitude of sins." In this verse, "cover" literally means to "hide" or "overlook" the faults. Friendship knows the weaknesses are there, but chooses to love anyway. Friendship is always costly but always well worth the cost.  

Key three: Transparency

In verse 16, Ruth offers an amazing display of transparency. "Where you go I will go. Where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God, my God." Openness and honesty nourish friendship. We are naturally drawn to transparent people because transparency produces authenticity. In fact, one of the most winsome aspects of Jesus was the fact that He was so transparent and lived an authentic life. He did not remain aloof from His disciples. He lived among them, sharing every part of their lives. He ate with them, prayed with them, ministered with them, cried with them and laughed with them. Jesus repeatedly opened Himself up to the disciples.  

John 15:15 "I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father."

Jesus made a deliberate choice to be transparent, modeling friendship at its best. He was hurt, betrayed and rejected by those He called friends. Still today, He waits for you and for me, longing to be the most transparent and authentic friend we have. Life can be a very lonely place.  Jesus knows. Friendships are not only an important source of encouragement to us as women, but a valuable source of strength as well. I am convinced that if we built fewer relationship walls, we would have more friends and be a better friend.  

Let's Pray

Father, I have to admit that it is sometimes easier to be lonely than it is to be authentic and real with others. Forgive me for letting fear keep me from reaching out to someone in friendship. I am willing to risk being hurt. I am willing to be transparent in order to be a better friend. I lay every friendship at Your feet as an offering of praise for the Friend You are to me.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Arise from the Wreckage

Arise from the Wreckage
Micca Monda Campbell

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28 (KJV)

I’d read the book of Acts before and honestly, it fell dull and familiar as I read again. But when I came to chapter nine, something new jumped out at me. I began to see the word “rejection,” although it was not in written form. Perhaps I saw what I was feeling that day—rejected.

I was reading at the part of the story where Saul, a murderer, had just been transformed into Paul, a disciple of Christ. Even though Paul was a changed person, many rejected him because of his past reputation and lifestyle.

Not only that, but as Paul became fully devoted to serving Christ—sacrificing his education, his life, and remaining single so he could better serve the Lord—he was falsely accused, thrown into prison more than once and shipwrecked on several occasions. Doesn’t that seem odd for a man called of God? Wouldn’t God’s favor protect him from such adversity?

I thought about an illness that had lingered with me for months. It was so severe I was all but bed-ridden week after week, unable to do life and ministry. I had felt rejected by God. It didn’t make sense. I was serving Him in more ways than I could count. Then, without warning, strong winds came and ushered what felt like a storm into my life. Clouds hung overhead and before I knew it, I felt “shipwrecked.”

Perhaps, you’ve been there, too. Maybe you’ve been rejected by family, friends, and co-workers. Or you’ve been falsely accused. Maybe you’re imprisoned by finances, or being blown around by the consequences of someone else’s sin?

It seems so unfair. You’ve tried to live right. You walk in obedience the best you can. You take God at His Word and trust in His promises. Shouldn’t faith like this call for smooth sailing, instead of stormy, shipwrecking seas?

If we follow Paul’s journey, we find God working through the rejection, the trials, the prison time, and the shipwrecks. Paul shared the gospel with the Pharisees through his rejection and imprisonment. People saw God’s power at work when Paul survived the storms, when the snake bite didn’t kill him, and when the jail shook—opening doors and loosing chains.

Paul didn’t let his circumstances wreck him with a sense of rejection. He didn’t allow self-pity and doubt to overtake him. Instead, we see in Acts 16:22-31 that after being stripped, beaten, severely flogged, thrown in the inner cell of a prison and his feet in stocks, Paul prayed and sang hymns to God. And others around him were listening. The power of God came in such a way that the prison guard begged Paul to tell him, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” He replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus” (vs. 30b-31, NIV).

God kept His promise to work all things together for the good of this man who loved Him and was called according to His purposes. As Paul depended on God and trusted His faithfulness in the midst of his adversity, many witnessed God’s power and believed.

And the same is true for us. God doesn’t waste our pain, our rejection or our “shipwrecks.” He uses them to bring about His plan—to position us so that others can see His transforming power at work in our lives and believe in the living God.

If that’s true, and it is, then our challenge is to rise from the wreckage, like Paul, so that our lives will give testimony that draws others to the Jesus. Today I will no longer sit on the sidelines of life full of self-pity. I choose to rise, pray and praise, so that God can position me to shine for His glory, and so that others will believe.

Dear Lord, forgive me for wallowing in self-pity and rejection. I trust that You see the bigger picture. I believe there is a purpose for my pain. Strengthen me to rise from my ashes so that others will see You are my help and my salvation. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I Need a Friend - Part 1

I Need a Friend

Part 1

Mary Southerland

Today's Truth

But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me." When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her (Ruth 1:16-18, NIV).

Friend To Friend

Friendship is the catalyst for every other love and the foundation of every healthy relationship.  In his book, "The Broken Heart", Dr. James J. Lynch shows that lonely people live significantlyshorter lives than the general population. In other words, God created us to need each other.  We need friends. 

I know what you are thinking. Everyone knows that having close friends is risky business. While attending seminary, one of my professors told me that, as a pastor's wife, I would never be able to have close friends in the church. I didn't believe him then. And I don't believe him now.  

I have been a woman in ministry for many years and my best friends have always been with women in the church where I ministered. Have I been burned? Yes. Have I been betrayed and disappointed? Yes. Has it been worth it? Absolutely! It is my prayer that over the next few weeks, we will catch God's plan and purpose for the friendships in our lives. But before launching into this study, there are three friendship facts we must first understand and accept.

Fact 1:  Friendships have many different levels. There are friends we see occasionally and then there are soul-mates with whom we share everything. There is a place for both in our lives.

Fact 2:  Friendships may change with the seasons of life. We are naturally drawn to women who face the same problems and share the same dreams.  

Fact 3:  We all need friends. Friendship is part of God's plan for our lives.  

Jesus placed great value on relationships. The Bible tells us that He spent much of His time deepening relationships with a few - not the crowds. His teachings are filled with practical suggestions on how to be a friend and how to have healthy relationships. One of the most beautiful portraits of friendship is found in the book of Ruth. It is the story of Naomi, a godly woman, a wife and the mother of two married sons.  

Naomi's husband and sons died, leaving three women alone, Naomi and her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Orpah. Because they had neither food nor money and no certainty of what the future might hold, Naomi chose to return to Bethlehem, her homeland. On the way, Naomi suddenly stopped to tell Ruth and Orpah that they should return to their homes in Moab because there, they would have the chance to marry again. Both Ruth and Orpah protested but Naomi was insistent. Finally, Orpah gave in and returned home, but Ruth would not leave Naomi, her mother-in-law and friend. Noami was amazed at the loyalty Ruth offered and together, they made the trip to Bethlehem. Interestingly, it was there that Ruth met and married Boaz. They had a son named Obed, who later became the grandfather of King David. Ruth, a gentile from Moab, became part of the family line of Jesus. Why? Ruth was a loyal friend. Wouldn't you like to have a friend like that? Wouldn't you like to be a friend like that? The lives of Ruth and Naomi offer nine keys to healthy and vital friendships.   

First Key: Time

Ruth says, "Where you go I will go. Where you stay I will stay." Ruth was willing to commit her life and time in friendship. Friendship doesn't just happen. True friendship takes consistent investments of time. Time spent together in friendship creates a memory bank from which we can make withdrawals when tough times come and we need encouragement. Time is a priceless gift and one of the most powerful communicators of love. When we are willing to give 30 minutes of time, we are actually giving 30 minutes of life. Ruth was willing to sacrifice her entire life agenda for the sake of her friendship with Naomi.  

We live in a "quick-fix" world that often fails to understand or address the relationship truth that it takes time to build a friendship. It is so easy for women to fill every time slot of every day with activity, leaving little or no room for friends. The waters of daily life are often difficult to navigate.  True friends are willing to get in the boat and ride out the storm with us.  

We tend to spend time instead of investing it. The depth of the friendship depends upon the investment of time we can make or the investment of time we are willing to make. I have a friend, Michelle Johnson, who is the perfect example of a friend who was willing to invest time in our relationship. Michelle and I first met at a church where she and her husband were small group teachers while Dan was the youth pastor. We were not especially close because our paths rarely crossed. But when Dan was called to be the pastor of a nearby church, Michelle and her family joined us in ministry. Our children were in school together and we were both involved in women's ministry. As our paths crossed more frequently, we became friends. Then, during a two-year battle with clinical depression, we moved into the neighborhood where Michelle and Jay lived. Michelle made a choice. She chose to invest large chunks of time, walking with me through those dark years. As a result, her friendship is beyond measure in my life. Friendships take time.

Let's Pray

Father, I want to thank You for being the ultimate Friend. You have never let me down or turned away from me - even when I have turned away from You. Please help me be the kind of friend You want me to be so that Your love can flow through me in my relationships. Teach me how to invest time wisely so that each friendship is a living illustration of Your love.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Care Enough to Confront

Care Enough to Confront

Mary Southerland

Today's Truth

Faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6, NIV).

Friend To Friend

One of the basic needs of every healthy relationship is the art of confrontation. To confront someone is to meet them head-on in the quest for compromise. Confrontation is an emotional tackle for the purpose of resolving conflict while promoting peace. Just as God separates us from our sin, He calls us to do the same with sandpaper people. We must disconnect who they are from what they do, loving the sinner but hating the sin, looking beyond their weaknesses in search of their strengths. 

Most people I know hate confrontation and will do anything to avoid it, but in doing so, give the impression that they are content with the status quo. It is important for us to understand that silence is agreement. Confrontation is a gift we bring to every healthy relationship as well as the unhealthy relationships with which we struggle. Confrontation is a spiritual surgery that tends to be painful. But without it, the cancer of contention and discord will remain unfettered, free to grow and spread its deadly relationship poison. 

When we have one nerve left and our sandpaper person is romping on it, we tend to confront in anger, from pain and frustration, with little control. The explosion can be heard for miles around.  Healthy confrontation does not involve a weapon of any kind - verbal or non-verbal. We speak honestly but gently. Confrontation that is wrapped in gentle love is powerful!

When my husband became a pastor, we both struggled with maintaining a balanced schedule.  It was easy for Dan to work six or seven nights a week. The church was exploding in growth and a crisis was always on the agenda. Being the precious and loving wife that I am, I confronted Dan - not in love and not with gentleness. It did not work. I decided to back off and let God work. 

One afternoon, while preparing dinner, Dan called to say that one of the church members had just been admitted to the hospital with chest pains. Dan was planning to drop by the hospital, which meant that he would be late - again. He promised to make his hospital visit short and be home as soon as he could. When Danna strolled through the kitchen, checking out the dinner menu, she asked when her dad was coming home. I explained the situation but assured her that Dan would be home as soon as he could. She seemed satisfied with my explanation and headed for the family room. As I set the table, I overheard Danna calling the church office. Then I heard her childlike but powerful words of confrontation, "Dad, please come home. I don't like it when you have to work late. I know that man in the hospital needs you, but there are lots of doctors there. I only have one daddy and it makes me sad when you are not here. I need to see you with my eyes." Dan called one of our deacons who jumped at the chance to visit someone in the hospital and Dan came home. 

Every relationship in life improves with confrontation done the right way. In fact, the harder the truth, the more love we must use in sharing it, especially when it comes to sharing truth with sandpaper people. Here are some simple tips for effective confrontation done the right way:

1. Always begin confrontation with affirmation. Encouraging words set the stage and prepare the heart to hear words of correction. 
2. Be willing to take your part of the blame. I have lived long enough to know that no conflict is ever totally one-sided. Taking your share of the blame often diffuses anger.
3. Express hurt...not hostility. It is important to keep emotions under control during confrontation. Volume negates listening. Raised voices and angry words slam the door shut on any possible good that can come from confrontation. Sandpaper people rarely realize the depth of the pain they inflict.
4. Make clear, direct statements. When facing confrontation, I will often write down what I plan to say; then read it aloud. I can then go back and eliminate unnecessary comments, inflammatory words or vengeful statements. Stick to the facts. 
5. Avoid using words like "never" and "always." These words are untrue and accomplish little in a confrontation. For some reason, they tend to stir up emotions and fan emotional fires. 
6. Listen. One of my favorite tactics in confrontations is to use the time the other person is speaking to formulate my next point. As a result, I don't listen because I assume I already know what will be said. Difficult conversations require total attention. Listening validates people and invites them into your life. Refusing to listen is arrogant and self-centered.
7. Be solution centered. Make the decision beforehand to stay at the table of confrontation until a solution is found and some measure of restoration is achieved. It is so easy to go for the "let's get this over with" conversation instead of getting to the heart of the problem.

The sandpaper people in your life are likely to be confronted on a regular basis. But because that confrontation usually comes from an unclean heart and an angry spirit, it can easily become just another notch in that sandpaper person's belt, giving them one more reason to be who they are - difficult. When love and gentleness deliver correction, it is much more likely to be received and acted upon. We can be caring and confronting at the same time. Most sandpaper people are controllers and manipulators, intimidating their way into other people's lives, because it is the only way they know to get in. Confrontation is a spiritual exercise and an act of obedience to God that changes lives and builds healthy relationships.  

Let's Pray

Father, please forgive me when I confront someone in anger or with a bitter heart. I really do want my relationships to reflect Your love. Teach me how to control the words I say and the attitude with which I say them. Forgive me for the pride that fuels a spirit of revenge when I should be seeking healing and restoration. Be glorified in all of my relationships, Lord.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Unlovable

Unlovable
Samantha Reed

    “Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.” Song of Solomon 8:7a (NIV 1984)

“I’m unlovable.”

How many times has this thought consumed your mind? It swirls powerfully, like muddy rapids. Thrashing heart and mind round and round like a toy boat in a damaging river of doubt, fear and lies.

The “I’m unlovable” thought often tosses us from one painful situation to the next.

Rejection from a parent leads to a heart desperate to fill the void that leads to an unloving abusive relationship. A broken heart is patched up with food that leads to weight gain that makes us feel less than beautiful and unworthy of love.

The bruised parts of our hearts can lead us down dark alleys littered with regrets and sadness.

I don’t assume to know the tongue lashings, torturous words or deeds, and taunts you’ve endured. I don’t know what rejections, rudeness, or raw aches have slayed your heart. I don’t know what choices you’ve made—what choices were made for you—that pushed you into the roaring rush of this river that tries to drag you down with lies and pain.

I only know this—you will drown in that river unless you grab hold of this safety rope: You are loveable.

Yes. You. You are loveable.

There is an all loving Creator who is sovereign. This is a big word with bigger meaning: all powerful. He had the choice to concoct you in His mind. He had the option to create you. He had the wherewithal to call you by name. He didn’t have to.

He could have said,
Nah, I know how that one turns out.

Depression and doubts are her go-to’s instead of Me.
Guys are allowed to violate her body.
Her marriage falls apart.
Her relationship with her parents isn’t good.
Her kids can’t stand her.
She’s frumpy.
She’s not worthy of My time or talent.
She’s not lovable.

But He didn’t. No.

Instead, He said,
I know how that one turns out.
She trusts me despite her teetering emotions and difficult circumstances.
She redeems her past to inspire purity in young girls.
She encourages and invests in other’s marriages.
It’s My delight to be her Father and call her My daughter.
Her knees hit the ground in fervent prayer for her children.

She’s beautiful.
She’s worthy of my Son’s life and death.
She’s so lovable, I call her Mine and nothing she does—nothing that happens to her—can take My love from her.

I don’t know why you don’t feel you’re lovable. Or what lies come trying to convince you that your past, your actions, your shame, your guilt disqualifies you from love.

What I do know is this: you are worthy of love. You are loveable. And you are qualified as a child of God. But don’t take my word. Take His…

This is what the LORD says: ‘[Insert your name] who survives [insert what makes you feel unlovable] will find favor in the desert; I will come to give rest to [her].’ The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build [Insert your name] up again and you will be rebuilt.’” (Jeremiah 31:2-4a, NIV 1984)

    Dear Lord, I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Thank You for knowing me fully and loving me completely. Please help me know…truly know…I am loveable. Thank You for the freedom You give from the hurt and lies. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.